Really, Really bad

July 28, 2010 at 3:00 pm (Life)

Depression seems to be growing as the weight increases. I just want to say I quit and walk away. But responsibilities layer upon gruesome layer push at me. I am struggling to find the balance.

He lost his father after a long gruesome illness. Towards the end despite still breathing this was not a life. The man was gone but his body lingered. For reasons I will never understand the siblings have chosen to separate. They have cast him out now that their father is gone. In his time of need, the friends that he would cling to, look to as brothers, are busy with their own lives. My heart is breaking to see so much pain. I am trying to find a way to rationalize, distribute and gain control over this situation we call life. But some days all I can do is hold him and let him hold me.

I will walk down the aisle with no one by my side. I will not be given to him. I gave myself along time ago. He told me to not worry he will be waiting for me at the end of the aisle, I’m just walking to him. He believes in me when no one else seems to understand. For a long time it has just been the two of us, and that is ok, as long as we are together we will be ok. I told him I will take his name and we will make a new clan with new traditions. Our family history and story will start with us.

I am sorry I let my depression lead me down the path of weight gain. I am sorry I have not yet found the will power to hop back on the wagon. I am wallowing in my depression but soon it will rain and I will be clean of the mud and I will see the wagon and be ready to take the ride.


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