Being an adult can truly suck

October 4, 2010 at 12:31 pm (Life)

I was offered a wonderful job. Something I know in my heart I could do and would truly excel at. Sadly being an adult meant looking at the pay scale and realizing despite the many emotional benefits of the offer financially I could not accept it. This experience made me realize a few things. I am capable of getting a position where I will be wanted and appreciated for my creativity and talents. So this was a major and needed ego boost. However being married with a house and bills means I have to make sure that darn thing called a budget stays balanced too. SO I have been re-energized to continue my pursuit.

This weekend I did battle with hosta and lily of the valley to plant my tulip and iris bulbs as well as some herbs. Hacking away at hosta and lily roots was like sawing threw stone – I am still sore! Then on Sunday I discovered a squirrel had dug up some of my bulbs! I was so mad.

Today I go to social security to official change my name. I changed it on my Facebook and its really weird to see it there. I tried to practice signing it and it’s hard to describe the sensation. I have been assured as time passes it will become like second nature but for now – its just weird.

I got to watch sea turtles hatch at the honeymoon resort (they had a sanctuary there)

my feet in the ocean

sunset before wedding day

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The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove

September 27, 2010 at 1:28 pm (Life)

Without being too sappy will say the wedding weekend was perfect. I thought I would read The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove by Christopher Moore on our honeymoon. It was hysterical! It was the perfect book to be reading in Cancun while sitting on the beach drinking margaritas 🙂

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Little Man Tate, Irises & Grandma

September 13, 2010 at 3:16 pm (Life) (, , )

I watch Biography this weekend on Jody Foster and they talked about this movie.  I remember watching and hearing the child describe paintings specifically Irises by Van Goh. I was taken with his description I fell in love with the painting and began to see other stories within the paint. This movie also began my long love affair with the flower iris and or course with Van Goh. Sadly, I did not get to plant my iris bulbs on Sunday instead I did some chores and drove to see my grandma. She is 93 and it was grandparents day. So I picked up a card and decided it was a good day to give her the handkerchief I had embroidered for her (I didn’t do the embroidery I aid to have it done). She is not doing well and I know in my heart she is holding on for me to make it thru to the wedding.

Grandma is an amazing woman. She had 12 children all very different. She has outlived 2 husbands and takes care of 1 of her children that was born with a disability. I will miss her when she is gone but I know she has lived a long and wonderful life and she will not leave this world until she is ready. She has touched many lives and her legacy her beauty will continue on thru her children, grandchildren and so on.  So my joy yesterday was spending some time with my grandma, the irises can wait another day.

More chores await at home  but I will find the joy.

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Make a Joyful Noise

September 10, 2010 at 9:38 am (Life) ()

So I need to work on me – my self esteem, my self confidence and bring some joy back to my life.

So here we go what brings me joy.

reading – theatre – dancing – bubble baths – flowers/plants – playing with animals – walking in the woods – making pies – making cookies – learning a craft – colours – good cup of tea – good glass of wine – watching movies – getting my nails done – getting a massage.

Today I will focus on colours. I need to bring more colour into my life and home so I am going to buy a rug (for the bathroom needed) or some pillows for the couch that have colour.

Tomorrow I am getting a massage.

Sunday I am planning on playing in my garden – I got some iris bulbs that are very colourful and need to plant them. And my holly bush needs a little love so this winter I will have loverly red berries.

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Shielded

September 9, 2010 at 3:03 pm (Life)

well now. I am not feeling the best but Bullet was pretty good so back to the world of Oz until honeymoon time. I was never close to many girls and so I went to a women’s college to try and understand relationships between women. The wedding process has shown me what I have known for many years I compartmentalize even my friends. To some I show one side of myself and to others something different and when those opposites meet it becomes very awkward. I don’t get angry and I don’t throw people away I just learn how much energy should be placed into maintaining communication. The wedding has shown me I have wasted some energy on some and need to refocus that energy onto others. Some days it’s enough to just get thru the day.

My husband to be thinks I will change once we are married or so he told me last night. This upset me but I was feeling too sick to really have this conversation with him. Yes some things will change – I want to have children – keyword – someday. Yes it is getting closer – I am 30 I want to have a life once they are gone, but I don’t want my kids to take over my life the way they did my mom’s. So I guess he and I have to have another conversation about this.

Also I have joked that our house is haunted because the cat seems to meow and get agitated at walls and the air. I mean it was built in the 1870’s and not alot but enough updates have been done. Well seems mr. thinks there is a chance too 🙂 he just hates to admit it!

also my face is seriously breaking out  i know a lot of it is stress but I mean really come on wedding and major pictures in 9 days its bad enough i was completely hung over for the bridal shower pictures lets hope my face clears for these ones!

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Bullet

September 2, 2010 at 12:10 pm (Books, Life)

I gave in to my addiction and bought Bullet by Laurel K Hamilton and a Kresley Cole book and a Christopher Moore book. I rationalized I need something to read on my honeymoon on the beach but in truth I need to escape this reality. No real thoughts yet on Bullet only read chapter 1 so far.

Watched – The Hurt Locker – the other night and all I can say is it is intense. I’m not usually one to enjoy war movies and I’m not sure I enjoyed this but it was not a waste of my time or money and I have recommended it to some friends. I have to hand in final counts today for the wedding stuff. I am going to schedule myself a massage, 2nd fitting for dress is Sat.

This whole wedding process has made me realize who my true friends are. I always knew I was not close to many girls and well this process has solidified it. but more to come on that later.  For now I keep repeating in my head:

I am slowly going crazy 1,2,3,4,5,6 switch – crazy going slowly am I 6,5,4,3,2,1, switch – I am slowly going crazy 1,2,3,4,5,6 switch – crazy going slowly am I 6,5,4,3,2,1, switch etc etc etc….

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Strange dreams

August 31, 2010 at 8:46 am (Life) ()

So the last few nights my dreams have been very odd but definitely telling me something.

Sat night I dreamed that my father kept trying to visit me but I kept missing his visits. This was very frustrating. Finally, I got to see him and he hugged me and then introduced me to a women I didn’t recognize then I woke up.

Last night, I was riding a bike to work and started heading down this hill but it was so steep I had to lean back to keep from toppling over head first. Which caused me to fall and lose the bike. So I began to walk. I kept getting lost, taking wrong turns going into wrong buildings. I was getting very upset because I was trying to go to work so I called my boss and she said don’t worry about it I’m in Paris. I met  up with someone who said they could show me the way back to the road I needed but as we were going this person became distracted by sights and another person began to talk to them. So I tried my gps device but that kept sending me over a road that ended and dropped off just like the hill with the bike.I kept asking for directions but no one knew what place I was talking about. I asked someone for a ride but they said no they couldn’t get to there by car.

So, it seems I am lost and feeling like I am missing something. I just hope I am on that right road.

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Team of Rivals

August 24, 2010 at 1:02 pm (Books, Life)

Started to read Team of Rivals – The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln by Doris Kearns Goodwin. So far its ok on page 60 out of  754…

At my bridal shower we got lots of dishes and pots and pans and glasses. Now we packed up the old and just aren’t sure what to do with them. We are contemplating donating them just not sure where. When my father passed away I donated all of his clothes and things to a mens halfway house. There are some up north in the Adirondack’s that help people in need – maybe one of those…

Wedding day is creeping closer and I am still a barrel of nerves.

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29 days and counting 2, 3, 4

August 20, 2010 at 1:13 pm (Life)

I realized something I have a lot of close female friends but I do not have a best friend. This became very evident the night of my bachelorette party. I will just say I made my fun but if I had planned it for myself or what I was hoping for was not what occurred. Oh well. Sadly I drank far too much and my shower was the next morning – bad planning on the girls part. So I didn’t enjoy any of it and it would have been perfect it was a tea. With scones and desserts and cute tables and flowers but I was far too hung over to eat anything and had to excuse myself a few time anyway.

It is 29 days the big day and my dress still is not here and I am so fearful it won’t fit! My weight is fluctuating because I have been so depressed lately. Oh and the darn red thing is back on my nose and can you believe every Dr. I called is either not accepting new patients or booking into November. Maybe its good it is here now so it will be gone by the wedding….

Last night I discovered I have a cucumber in my garden – so excited I started these from seeds!  Of course 1 cuck out of I think 6 plants not great but hey next year I will do better 🙂  I will say from the shower we lots of gift cards for lowes and home depot so I am super excited to start more projects in the house – after the wedding of course!

Met with the dj again and I feel old. He gave me a list of the top 200 songs played at weddings and said just cross off whatever you don’t like and they won’t get played – thing is half of the songs I don’t recognize the artist or song even I know they are popular but darned if I know the song. Going to have to ask some young ones to assist.

Finally, I realized there aren’t many I love my auntie shirts for kids – I will have to remedy this  as I have “adopted” more nieces and nephews 🙂

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Really, Really bad

July 28, 2010 at 3:00 pm (Life)

Depression seems to be growing as the weight increases. I just want to say I quit and walk away. But responsibilities layer upon gruesome layer push at me. I am struggling to find the balance.

He lost his father after a long gruesome illness. Towards the end despite still breathing this was not a life. The man was gone but his body lingered. For reasons I will never understand the siblings have chosen to separate. They have cast him out now that their father is gone. In his time of need, the friends that he would cling to, look to as brothers, are busy with their own lives. My heart is breaking to see so much pain. I am trying to find a way to rationalize, distribute and gain control over this situation we call life. But some days all I can do is hold him and let him hold me.

I will walk down the aisle with no one by my side. I will not be given to him. I gave myself along time ago. He told me to not worry he will be waiting for me at the end of the aisle, I’m just walking to him. He believes in me when no one else seems to understand. For a long time it has just been the two of us, and that is ok, as long as we are together we will be ok. I told him I will take his name and we will make a new clan with new traditions. Our family history and story will start with us.

I am sorry I let my depression lead me down the path of weight gain. I am sorry I have not yet found the will power to hop back on the wagon. I am wallowing in my depression but soon it will rain and I will be clean of the mud and I will see the wagon and be ready to take the ride.

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