29 days and counting 2, 3, 4

August 20, 2010 at 1:13 pm (Life)

I realized something I have a lot of close female friends but I do not have a best friend. This became very evident the night of my bachelorette party. I will just say I made my fun but if I had planned it for myself or what I was hoping for was not what occurred. Oh well. Sadly I drank far too much and my shower was the next morning – bad planning on the girls part. So I didn’t enjoy any of it and it would have been perfect it was a tea. With scones and desserts and cute tables and flowers but I was far too hung over to eat anything and had to excuse myself a few time anyway.

It is 29 days the big day and my dress still is not here and I am so fearful it won’t fit! My weight is fluctuating because I have been so depressed lately. Oh and the darn red thing is back on my nose and can you believe every Dr. I called is either not accepting new patients or booking into November. Maybe its good it is here now so it will be gone by the wedding….

Last night I discovered I have a cucumber in my garden – so excited I started these from seeds!  Of course 1 cuck out of I think 6 plants not great but hey next year I will do better 🙂  I will say from the shower we lots of gift cards for lowes and home depot so I am super excited to start more projects in the house – after the wedding of course!

Met with the dj again and I feel old. He gave me a list of the top 200 songs played at weddings and said just cross off whatever you don’t like and they won’t get played – thing is half of the songs I don’t recognize the artist or song even I know they are popular but darned if I know the song. Going to have to ask some young ones to assist.

Finally, I realized there aren’t many I love my auntie shirts for kids – I will have to remedy this  as I have “adopted” more nieces and nephews 🙂

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Really, Really bad

July 28, 2010 at 3:00 pm (Life)

Depression seems to be growing as the weight increases. I just want to say I quit and walk away. But responsibilities layer upon gruesome layer push at me. I am struggling to find the balance.

He lost his father after a long gruesome illness. Towards the end despite still breathing this was not a life. The man was gone but his body lingered. For reasons I will never understand the siblings have chosen to separate. They have cast him out now that their father is gone. In his time of need, the friends that he would cling to, look to as brothers, are busy with their own lives. My heart is breaking to see so much pain. I am trying to find a way to rationalize, distribute and gain control over this situation we call life. But some days all I can do is hold him and let him hold me.

I will walk down the aisle with no one by my side. I will not be given to him. I gave myself along time ago. He told me to not worry he will be waiting for me at the end of the aisle, I’m just walking to him. He believes in me when no one else seems to understand. For a long time it has just been the two of us, and that is ok, as long as we are together we will be ok. I told him I will take his name and we will make a new clan with new traditions. Our family history and story will start with us.

I am sorry I let my depression lead me down the path of weight gain. I am sorry I have not yet found the will power to hop back on the wagon. I am wallowing in my depression but soon it will rain and I will be clean of the mud and I will see the wagon and be ready to take the ride.

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Shoulda turned left at albuquerque

June 21, 2010 at 1:43 pm (Life)

The wedding dress doesn’t fit. The mother in law doesn’t want to come.  The job search continues on. The depression lightens. The weight seems to yoyo. Account over drawn. Car makes noise. People refuse to read and when they do they misinterpret.  The roof leaks. The window won’t open. Please just let me sleep.

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Depression takes its toll

April 16, 2010 at 2:23 pm (Life) (, )

I was doing very and was so proud of myself. I had lost almost 40lbs. Then I got sick. Laryngitis, fever etc. I broke the diet. Now so close to the end goal I am fighting to stay on track. So tired of the rules and restrictions. Tired of having to plan each and every meal out in advance. I don’t want to gain it all back but the cold did me in and during that time there were fights, and the darkness that creeps in sometimes. I don’t want to ask to up my meds because I will have to go off them when I want to get pregnant.  I need to find the strength to dig, to exercise and find the smile. Why do things have to be complicated why can’t we just relax and have fun. The difference between being a bride and wife. The bride plans and the wife enjoys the afterglow. I hate planning. I used to hate shopping but now I’m torn between liking it and having no money.

I’m almost 30 and still have no idea what I want for a career.

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A new Diet, a new Struggle

January 15, 2010 at 9:48 am (Diet, Life)

I began a new diet – Ideal Protein, thru Live Well ADK. I started this diet back in early November. I have currently lost 22lbs. My goal is 50lbs. In the beginning it was tough but doable. I was determined to succeed and despite obstacles like Thanksgiving and Christmas I did not cheat. I didn’t even have the serious cravings or boredom. Well that has changed. The other night I became obsessed with getting something to eat. I really wanted chocolate or peanut butter – my downfall has always been Reese’s. I tried a cup of tea, I tried to have my allotted protein bar snack early. Nothing worked. Finally I just tried to watch tv distract my brain and of course most of the commercials are for sweets! But in the end I made it with out cheating. I have pulled out my recipe books and I’m trying to find recipes I can use or change slightly for this diet. Some days it would be so much easier to just have a bowl of mac and cheese though.

My stress levels have been thru the roof. We are in the process of buying a house-just waiting for the closing date and trying to plan a wedding. Plus the everyday stress that comes from a job in marketing and advertising. Its time to think outside the box without stepping into a another box.

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Saratoga Stroll for Epilepsy

August 19, 2009 at 8:11 am (Life)

My family and I will be walking in the 1st Annual Saratoga Stroll for Epilepsy. Which will be held on Sunday, September 27th, at the Saratoga Spa State Park, Columbia Pavilion. We will be joining others for a 3 mile “stroll” thru the beautiful park! If you would like to – you can join us for the walk too – the more the merrier!!

If you would like to help sponsor any of us please contact me – our team name is “Janet’s Jem’s”.

or if you would like to make a direct donation go to either website.
http://www.epilepsyfoundation.org/local/efneny/donations.cfm
http://tinyurl.com/n8dkjg

you can make it in honor of someone, in memory or make a note that it is towards this walk.

Epilepsy Foundation of NENY
http://www.epilepsyfoundation.org/efneny

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Talks with my father

August 10, 2009 at 9:45 am (Life, Work)

My father passed away a few years ago but that doesn’t stop me from asking him from time to time for things. I am an only child and used to getting what I ask for. So far I have gotten everything I have asked of him. Two girl friends have had healthy beautiful babies after having difficulties previously. The one and only sunny day was the day we had a picnic/party in the park for Jim’s birthday. The day we wanted for the wedding was open at the venue we picked. I had asked for help finding a new job but that hasn’t happened yet. I think that was because we are buying a house and banks look at how long you have been with your employer. But now we are well on our way to be being home owners so I ask again “Dad please help me find the career direction that will allow to live within my means and not dread going to work everyday” I don’t dread it now but I have had jobs before where it was a true struggle to get out of bed and I don’t need a lot of money just want to be comfortable. I just wish I knew which direction to head, hopefully my dad will be able to guide me. He has done a great job in the past leading me down the right path.

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Frustration

June 22, 2009 at 12:41 pm (Life) ()

I was asked in my job to explore the world of “new media” and determine how best to utilize it for our clients. Well after a year or so I began to feel more comfortable within this media and started to craft proposals. It was only last week that one of these proposals was complimented and I was told we would look further into this new venture. I am frustrated my lack of action, I am at my wits end because I am attempting to craft an appointment press release that I feel is sufficient but I have not been given any guidance, edits, criticism etc. I am frustrated. I am advising a younger person on choices in college and being an adult. They are stuck in one form of thinking and unable to see the bright blue sky staring at them and I am frustrated. More days than not I feel this sense of stalemate. Nothing is going to change and there is no end in sight. I fight the up hill battle but some days I just want to sit and say to heck with it all I don’t want to do a darn thing but sit and why can’t that be enough at least for today.

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Book Review

June 3, 2009 at 3:35 pm (Books) ()

My mother a few years ago gave me two books that had to do with being a bride and getting married. Now that I am engaged I have started to read them. So far, my reaction to the books is they are a load pooh and I don’t mean the fuzzy sweet bear. Society baffles me I have accepted each change in my life and I feel open to discuss these changes with my life partner and those people I have chosen to surround myself with. I have been with the same man for almost 10 years and if anyone dares say to me “are you sure about this” when I rant about how he forgot to do the dishes a. doesn’t really know me b. I will very explicitly explain to them how despite the fact that this man drives me insane somedays I can’t imagine anyone else in the world I would rather have drive me insane. I can be very verbal when I have to be. These book seem to have been written for women who keep their feeling bottled and don’t express opening what is going on in their head. I get in trouble many days for being to expressive. It talks about how I should be feeling like a part of me is dieing as I am reborn as a wife. Nope. In fact I take a bit of offense to this. I say each change, child, adult, wife, mother etc. is a progression, a growth. I still have a part of that child in me. The child part of me loves to play on the swing, look at the world for the lovely colors, jumps in rain puddles and loves openly and honestly. I am still reading these books because I am curious next how they explain the death of adulthood and the birth of being a wife. But I was compelled to share this small load with the few who read this random cascade of thoughts.

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Opposites Attract

June 1, 2009 at 1:29 pm (Life) ()

Jim was raised old fashioned, a man gets married when he can provide for his family.

I was raised to be independent and take care of myself.

Jim loves to camp.

I consider roughing it a hotel without room service (I do enjoy the woods more – now)

Jim loves the beach.

I burn in the sun.

I love to swim

Jim sinks.

Jim can sing

I make people cringe.

I can burn water.

Jim makes the best meals.

I am blind as a bat

Jim has better than perfect vision.

Jim loves bad cheesy movies

I love the theatre

I’m short

Jim is tall

Jim can’t sit still.

I can sit for hours and not move a muscle.

I love animals.

Jim eats them.

Jim loves the cold

I’m always cold

I love to dance

Jim likes to watch

Jim loves rollercoasters

I throw up on the kiddie rides (just ask him)

I gain weight just looking at junk food

Jim has an insatiable sweet tooth

Jim’s favorite drink is milk

I’m lactose intolerant

I drink wine

Jim drinks beer

Jim can be impatient at times

I waited 10 years.

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